This life isn't ours (but let's do our best and pretend)
by The Readers Muse
Summary: The moment Billy was back in his sight something in the center of his chest had just- eased.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Jurassic Park or any of its characters, wishful thinking aside.

 **Authors Note #1:** Set post Jurassic Park III when Alan and Billy arrive at the hospital to get patched up after their ordeal on Isla Sorna. Touches on Post Jurassic Park I-Alan and how he has been dealing with the fall out from his first brush with the Jurassic Era.

 **Warnings:** soulmates, soul-bond, alternative universe: soulmates, pre-slash, gen, feelings, angst, drama, past/present survivor's guilt.

 **This life isn't ours (but let's do our best and pretend)**

He'd come to terms with the facts a long time ago. Long before Isla Sorna. He didn't expect much from life. Nor did he believe he was somehow owed either. He didn't demand anything from it, not even what most people would consider his fair share. Because it wasn't. Not really. More to the point, he didn't want it. He'd never been that good at self-care – that had always been Ellie's thing, not his. But after the incident at the park, _well-_ too many people had died - good people, innocent people - while he'd lived for him to believe otherwise.

And because of that, his life was, save for the odd blip, more or less like a metronome. He went to work, living and breathing in the dust. He taught the occasional semester here and there. He traveled and lost himself. Rediscovering some of his old passions and interests before abandoning them again. Not wanting to get too attached. Remaining distant but fond from Ellie, Malcolm, Tim and Lex. From old friends and colleagues. Sometimes he even stayed home for a time. Churning out a new book or two during the quieter parts of the year while his funding requests slowly made their way through a system that had no real interest in the dinosaurs time had turned to rock underneath their feet.

When he'd lost Ellie to family life and greater things, he'd accepted it. Still hating himself for feeling relieved when he'd come home one day and found her things neatly packed for the movers the next day. There had been a tear-stained letter folded up beside the phone as the goodbye and the lingering smell of her perfume he couldn't help but want to savor as he collapsed into the armchair by the tv. Playing with the edges of the letter for a long time before he read it.

She'd made it easy.

And _god_ , he still loved her for it.

The truth was he hadn't been able to give her what she needed - what she still wanted after the disaster at the park. A normal life. _A family._ A future she could count on. Something more permanent, more comfortable. Something that came with life insurance and a well-padded retirement fund. Lex and Tim were the closest he'd ever get to that white picket fence dream Ellie had always been soft for and they both knew it. It was nice to look at, nice to visit, but it wasn't him. Just like the dinosaurs he studied, he hadn't been able to adapt. Even if he'd wanted to.

After all, fossils never really belonged in a museum.

A museum just kept them safe.

They belonged to the earth.

 _Just like him._

So, that was why when the red-haired nurse who hadn't let him out of her sight let go of a startled exclamation. Breathy and feminine-sharp as she paused in the act of cutting off the tatters of his shirt, he could honestly say that what happened next he hadn't been expecting at all.

"Oh my goodness! Why didn't you say anything!? We would have never separated you two! I am _so_ sorry. I'll be right back! Don't you move, honey. That shoulder is going to need stitches."

He blinked at her sudden absence. Forcing the aging linoleum into focus as the distant hustle and bustle of the hospital carried on outside the hall. Too tired to wonder much as he realized off-hand that he had no idea where his wallet was. Or his hat for that matter.

He sighed. Brain slowly gearing up for what he knew was going to be an exhausting political and legal gauntlet to say the least. There would be government officials and lawyers. IGen. The media. The others would check in - maybe even come down to visit. Ellie he was sure was already on her way. Malcolm would come to gloat at the very least. Bullying him out to dinner somewhere trendy and expensive to drink too much and only remember come morning that he wasn't that young anymore.

His back straightened when the nurse wheeled Billy - still sedated and soft in sleep - into the empty space beside his bed. Everything in the room suddenly sharpening as she sent him a knowing smile that highlighted her deep, freckled dimples. Grinning like she was sharing a secret as she nudged the wheel-lock firmly to the right with the toe of her sneakers. Checking the IV bags and heart monitor with a practiced flurry of movement as he counted the beats between the rise and fall of Billy's bandaged chest.

"There. Bet that feels better, doesn't it? Mercy, you could have at least said something. We aren't mind readers, you know. Now, lets see that arm, hmm?"

He offered it mutely. Barely registering her fussing as his eyes refused to leave the younger man's face. _Billy._ Confusion spread like a mild, slow-stretching poison. Spidering out to fill the intervening space as a strange, soul-deep sort of recognition slowly made itself known.

Because it _did_ feel better.

 _He felt better._

The moment Billy was back in his sight something in the center of his chest had just- _eased._

Some part of him he hadn't even been aware of until just now.

Something-

"So, how long have you two been bonded? It isn't on either of your charts, so that is going to have to be updated right away. Someone from the Soul-Bond Division will be up right away, I'm sure. I'm guessing your paperwork got lost in the system? You filled out the form, right? It should have come in the mail soon after you registered."

He wet his tongue down the cracked span of his lower lip. Embracing the sting as the silence lengthened. Feeling his pulse slow rather than speed up. Hushing down to mirror the soft rise and fall of Billy's chest. _Bonded? Him? No- it couldn't-_

"Doctor Grant?"

The skin below the cut on his arm flared with heat. Making him look down and catch his breath as three lines - no, three _slashes_ \- shone midnight-black across the center of his bicep. A mirror image of the same mark that he could now see, clear as day, on Billy's arm.

His fingers dug deep into the crinkled foam of the mattress underneath him as recognition trickled in. Internalizing it in a singular, all inclusive rush that sent light sparking across his vision. Graying out around the edges as he breathed Billy's name like oxygen. Watching as bruised lids slowly fluttered open. Eyes finding his despite his wounds and the drugs as the last part flared through his mind's eye like wildfire.

 _Raptor claws._

Their soul-mark was raptor claws.

Jesus.

"Doctor Grant? Are you-"

The next thing he was aware of was dead-air and the electrified whine of dying frequencies.

But after that?

Nothing but warmth.

* * *

Four years later they're able to joke about it with Malcolm, Ellie, Tim and Lex on the tenth anniversary of the Jurassic Park disaster. Missing Hammond's cherry smile and infectious enthusiasm a little more every time as they toasted to departed friends and family. Remembering Muldoon and Arnold with raised glasses. Listening to Malcolm talk about Eddie Carr with a sobriety that still surprised him every time. Before lapsing into a respectful quiet of his own when Billy would inevitably finish with three names of his own. Udesky, Cooper and Nash. Each of them quietly wondering what these gatherings would've been like if they'd all made it. If Jurassic Park, no matter it's form, hadn't taken in blood as much as it'd given them back in wonder.

Still, the truth wasn't something he was content to run from anymore.

He smiled more these days and kept the people that mattered closer. He figured that was Billy rubbing off on him. Frankly, he couldn't bring himself to figure that was much of a bad thing either. Especially not with Billy solid and grinning beside him as they listened to Lex and Tim chatter on about first jobs and college. Reminding him that the years seemed to be passing quicker these days and even Malcolm seemed to be softening with them. Settling down with the same wedding band on his finger as last year and the year before that. Talking animatedly about Sarah, his position at the university and his small herd of children.

It was strange to admit that he looked forward to these moments now. They weren't uncomfortable anymore. They felt like what he figured watching him with Lex and Tim must have been like for Ellie in that helicopter. Like she was looking at a future and every warm feeling there ever was all wrapped up into one.

That had been _her_ moment.

Not his.

His had come later.

Because the truth was, something in him had quieted after Isla Sorna.

After Billy became his.

It hadn't been something he'd been looking for. But it _had_ been something he'd needed. And just like all desperate things, he hadn't realized it until a higher power literally had to etch it into his skin to get him to use his eyes for something other than keeping his feet on the ground.

Having Billy was never something he'd counted on. Or deserved. And truthfully, he'd always figured soulmates were on the same page. Having a pre-destined other half was never something he'd figured was in the cards for someone like him. Someone who didn't subscribe to the same things most people eventually wanted or at least worked towards at some point in their lives. But he'd come to realize by proxy that maybe everything that'd happened to him since John Hammond had strolled into their lives might just have had a purpose after all.

Billy certainly thought so.

But then again, astronauts _were_ dreamers.

* * *

 **A/N:** This story is now complete. Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think.


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